Late Night Catharsis

I’ve been absent and there’s no excuse. I’m probably harder on myself than you could be so just know I am giving myself a lot of grief over my not posting. This website was supposed to be a labour of love because I love tarot, I love astrology, and I love writing. One would think combining many of my loves would make me more dedicated. Joke’s on me?

I have been studying tarot and other occult schools for over half my life. I was actually at a psychic fair this weekend where people asked me how long I had been studying the tarot. It is easily 15 years, but probably closer to 17. It made me think about how dedicated I am to this vocation if I have only just now decided to take payment for my skills. I want to put my all into it, but (as usual) I’m scared. I like reading online, by email, because it gives me time to collect my thoughts and be as confident as possible in the information I’m giving. In person, however, I start suffering from pressure of speech. I want to share my knowledge, but I’m terrified it’s not going to be good enough for the client.

Insecurity is no stranger to me. I can’t think of many times when I have felt worthy or even just good enough. I feel as though I have to prove myself to every single person I meet. It’s important to me that people approve of me. One of the readings I did this weekend started off as a 3-card mini spread and ended up being six cards! And it was not because of the client; this was all me, me trying to show them I was worthy of their money.

Another client I read for had me feeling super guilty about taking their money. I don’t think it was deliberate, but when they asked if all I was going to pull were the four cards I had placed on the table, I had to say yes. That interaction ate at me for a few hours.

The pressure I feel to do all the talking in a reading is likely a common one. I want to have a conversation with the client, but I feel it’s not always what they want. Another issue I have is that I don’t consider myself “psychic”. I try to use my intuition, but I don’t see myself as someone who talks to the dead, or can read minds, or whatever else you think constitutes being psychic. I feel I’m intuitive when I work at it, but often in the heat of the moment I find myself with an empty head and shallow breathing.

I know that is something I must work on if this is something I truly want to pursue, it’s just hard for me. I feel like the society in which I grew up tries to divorce us from our intuition and encourages us to look at rational facts, but there has to be something to a blend of those. I bought a gift for someone this past week, someone I don’t know well, and I had no idea what colours to get it in. I just let my intuition guide me and it turned out she loved it! It’s so different, though, when I’m in a store and there’s no real pressure than when I’m faced with a paying customer who wants you to show off your knowledge.

I think I need to start meditating. I’ve been saying that for years, but I think it’s really hitting home now. I need to learn how to ground myself so I don’t end up with my deer in headlights attitude when someone sits down in front of me for a reading. I have so little Earth in my chart it doesn’t surprise me grounding is important. Ask just about anyone who knows me and they would not say I’m down-to-earth. Practicality? Not my strong suit. Emotions, though, and quick thinking? I have those down.

I’m not saying there are certain elements in a natal (or any astrological) chart that are more or less favourable, I’m just saying I need more balance. That’s why I sign off with “peace and balance”. I wish those for everyone—including myself.

This post is getting a little long and I’m sorry, but it’s proving to be cathartic for me.

I started a new job a couple of weeks ago because while I love my daughter more than almost anything or anyone in the world, I couldn’t hack it as a stay-at-home mother. It was one thing when my husband was on parental leave and we could have conversations to take the edge off of looking after a tiny human all day every day, but when he went back to work, I had difficulty not going stir crazy by myself. So, I found myself a part time job at a shoe store.

The shoe store itself is great! I really like the people I work with and I love shoes. The biggest problem I think is its location. It’s in a mall and right across the hall from a New Age-y shop. There aren’t a lot of New Age stores here so I am drawn into this one by necessity and proximity. The employees there are very nice and fairly knowledgeable, but it’s in a mall so along with the New Age-y stuff you have Disney merchandise and novelty aprons. I saw a tarot deck there I’m interested in but surely do not need.

I’ve been thinking more about my meditation problem (is laziness a problem or character flaw?) as I’ve continued to write, and I really think it would help calm my mind if I were to use it even in a loud, crowded room. This weekend at the psychic fair it was so loud in the room I could barely think. I have no doubt it impacted my ability to do a reading. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact. I know at the last event I did found me in a room by myself reading to one persons at a time and not bothered by extraneous noise. I can’t always have a perfect environment so I have to make the environment.

The organizer of the fair suggested for the next time I might want to bring something to sell. I don’t know what that would be, but I have until March to figure it out. Maybe tarot card talismans? I’m not craftsy (I know that is not a word, but crafty isn’t the right word), but I could start working on finding something now and perfect it before March…

I think it’s time to call this post done.

Peace and balance,

Erin